Children's understanding and reaction to their parent's separation and the breakdown of the family unit is influenced by their age, gender and developmental stage. As parents it's useful to be aware of the individual thoughts and feelings your children may be having so you can help your children to adjust and cope.
Infants: Birth to 18 Months
Level of Understanding:
- Infants will notice tension
- Are sensitive to your moods and emotional state
- Will notice when one parent is no longer living in the same house
Possible Reactions:
- Irritable, crying, extra fussy
- Irregular sleeping and eating
- Upset tummy
To Help Your Infant:
- Maintain a normal routine
- Give lots of cuddles and one on one time
- Keep their favourite toys, comforters close by
Toddlers: 18 Months to 3 Years
Level of Understanding:
- Toddlers will recognise that one parent no longer lives at home
- May feel like it's their fault
- Will be sensitive to your emotional state and may express empathy towards you
Possible Reactions:
- An increase in crying and moodiness
- More demanding of your attention than normal
- Irregular sleeping and eating patterns
- Angry outbursts and confusion afterwards
- Difficulty separating from parents
- Loss of some of the skills they have developed, like toilet training
- Difficulty sleeping on their own
- May show some of the behaviors that they outgrew e.g. thumb sucking
To Help Your Toddler:
- Maintain a normal routine
- Give your child extra attention and lots of physical attention like cuddles
- Spend quality time with the child
- Keep regular contact with friends and relatives
- Allocate extra time when preparing to drop your toddler at daycare, the other parents etc
- Be patient and understanding
- Remain calm and try to not get angry at your child for their little mishaps
- Get support
Preschool and early primary school children: 3 to 5 years
Level of Understanding:
- Preschoolers will notice that one parent no longer lives at home
- Will begin to understand what is happening and that their parents no longer love each other or live together
Possible Reactions:
- Will blame themselves for the changes
- May worry about what's happening and feel insecure about the future
- Feel a sense of responsibility to get their parents back together
- May have difficulty sleeping and experience nightmares
- Angry or sad outbursts
- May blame either parent and be very angry towards them
To Help Your Preschooler:
- Set-up specific time to have quality one on one time with them every day
- Encourage your child to talk about their feelings
- Encourage regular contact with the parent who they no longer live with
- Reassure your child regularly that they are not responsible for the divorce
- Constantly tell your child you love him or her and are there for them
- Read books together about children and divorce
- Carefully remind them that you will be not be getting back to together with their other parent
Primary School Children: 6 to 11 years
Level of Understanding:
- Understands what divorce is and to some extent the changes that will happen because of it
- May blame themselves
Possible Reactions:
- Feels abandoned and alone
- Worries about the future
- May fantasize that parents will get back together
- Feels rejected by the parent who left the house
- Plays sick to stay home from school
- Tries to reunite parents
- May blame one parent
To Help Your Primary School child:
- Keep communication channels open
- Share your emotions and encourage them to do the same
- Spend quality one on one time together
- Encourage regular contact with the parent who they no longer live with
- Maintain normal routines and activities as much as possible
- Encourage outside school activities
Preteens and Teens: 11 - 18 years
Level of Understanding:
- Totally understands what separation and divorce means and the impact it will have on their lives
- Will be aware of any tension or arguing in the family home
- May blame themselves for the divorce
- Will identify with peers who may also have separated or divorced parents
Possible Reactions:
- Anger, hatred and disillusionment
- May be manipulative and try to take advantage of both parents
- Feels alone
- May blame one parent
- May worry about their future security and money
- May feel abandoned by the parent who moves out of the house
- Withdrawal from long-time friends and favourite activities
- May act out in uncharacteristic ways (start using bad language, become aggressive or rebellious)
- Question beliefs around love, life and relationships
- Feeling responsible to take care of things in the family
To Help Your pre teen and teenager:
- Maintain open lines of communication with your children
- Encourage them to talk honestly about their feelings and concerns
- Regularly reassure them that you both love them and will always remain in their life
- If possible, both parents need to stay involved in the children's day to day lives
- Honour or redefine family rituals and routines like movie night or Sunday dinner
- Don't lean on your child for emotional support
- Stick to your household rules and boundaries
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