Why Do I Feel Like Someone Has Died?
Many people say they feel deep pain and grief when they separate similar to that experienced with the death of a loved one. If you think about it this makes sense, as you're actually mourning the end of a relationship and to do so you need to go through the same processes and feelings.
Regardless of whether your relationship was good or bad, long or short, your grief is valid and warranted. You have invested time, energy, money and dreams for the future in it and letting go of these is often heart breaking.
Allow yourself the opportunity to grieve the loss of:
- Your lover, best friend and companion
- Your future hopes and dreams (Don't worry you'll replace them with new ones!)
- Emotional, financial and mental support
- Your current family unit.
In time the grief will pass and your emotional wounds will heal!
It's Taking All My Strength Just To Get Up In The Morning! Is This Normal?
Separation and divorce is one of life's most painful experiences that can affect you emotionally, mentally and physically. Even if you knew things weren't good the shock of it finally being over can be debilitating to say the least.
It's ok! It's normal in the fist few days and weeks to feel like you don't know if you're coming or going. You may feel like you can't cope, that you feel so confused, sad and shocked that you're not sure how to go on. It's important you find a way to cope - for your sake and especially for your children.
Get help, call on your friends and family to help you feel supported, loved and cared for and soon you will start to feel better.
I Feel Like I'm On A Roller Coaster, How Do I Get Off?
Unfortunately the separation process is confronting and scary, it's often described as the 'worst time of my life'. Allowing yourself to experience the emotions and pain attached to your break up is healthy and the most productive thing you can do. There is no right or wrong way to work through your feelings but being aware of them and 'owning' them may help you to move through them faster.
There are different stages to separation, all which stir up different feelings and emotions these include:
- Shock
- Denial
- Anger
- Resentment
- Sadness
- Hope (yes hope!)
Talking things through with friends and family can help. Trained professionals like a counsellor can also be very useful and help you to see things from a different perspective.
Don't be shocked if you have relapses and revisit thoughts and feelings you thought you had already dealt with - this is all completely normal and unfortunately may continue to happen months and even years to come.
I Still Love My Partner, What Can I Do To Get Us Back Together?
Sometimes, when you're not the person who initiated the separation you may feel like the decision to break up is wrong and only temporary. If you're ex has told you that there is no chance of reconciliation then you need to accept this and move forward.
Denial is a normal part of the grieving process and you may feel like it is helpful to hold on to some hope that you may get back together. Be careful! Don't hold on to false hope and ignore the situation. Acknowledge that it's over, move forward so when the time is right you can allow yourself the opportunity re-partner and find happiness.
My Ex Has Moved On, Why Can't I?
Everyone's separation journey is different. It is rare that you and your former partner will go through the same stages of separation at the same time. Who initiated the separation will also impact what stage you're both at. Try to remember that whatever stage you are at is right for you!
I Can't Sleep Or Eat, What Should I Do?
When our emotions are running high it is often hard to sleep and it is common for people to loose their appetite or to over eat. These are all normal reactions and can last a number of days or weeks. If after a few days you feel that it's still difficult to sleep or eat it may be helpful to talk to your doctor.
The separation process is an extremely stressful time and there is no shame in seeking help, including professional help if required. It's important that you remain healthy - mentally and physically, for your own sake and that of your children.
I Know Our Relationship Was Bad So Why Do I Feel So Awful?
Even when you know your relationship wasn't working and even if you were the person who ended it, you will still feel grief and a sense of loss. At the least you have invested time and energy into the relationship and letting go of this and your plans for the future with your ex is hard.
Although you may feel that your break up is for the better you may still feel sad as you grieve for the loss of the love you once shared, your future plans together, your family unit.
Interestingly sometimes the feelings and reactions we experience trigger memories from the past and can magnify our current situation. Being aware of this is the first step to lessening our emotional pain and moving forward.
Everything Is Fuzzy, I Have No Clarity Is There A Way Forward?
The separation process can be an extremely painful and challenging time. It's normal to feel deep sadness, fear and grief. It is a healthy reaction to such a heart breaking event. With time these feeling and emotions will lessen and you should start to feel more positive and better able to cope.
However, sometimes the intense feeling of sadness don't go away. If you feel like your head is 'cloudy', you feel numb or empty or that you're unable to deal with normal day-to-day activities and situations you should talk to your doctor. Intense grief can sometimes trigger depression and if this is the case then you may need some extra help and support to help you work things out.
You may feel embarrassed, ashamed or like a failure to seek help - remember depression is an illness and getting the right support can help you feel 'normal' again.
To read more about depression click here.
For further assistance please contact:
Beyond Blue
The Black Dog Institute
Depression Services
Lifeline
Men’s Line
I Need To Talk But My Former Partner Won't, What Can I Do?
Many people feel like they will feel better, get 'closure' if they are able to sit down and discuss with their former partner what went wrong and the positive and negatives of the relationship.
However often the other person may not be ready or willing to do so. If this is your situation try and remember that separation is different for everyone and your former partner may not be in a mental or emotional position to have this conversation.
To process your feelings you could write a letter outlining everything you want to say. If you feel the need you could send it or you may find it healing just to have got your thoughts down on paper (a symbolic burning of their letter can help some people let go). If you're able to meditate it can also be beneficial to have the conversation you want to have during a meditation i.e. visualise your former partner, invite them to talk with you and then tell them everything you want to share.
When Will I Stop Feeling So Angry?
Everyone is different and only you can determine when you will stop feeling angry. Anger is a normal part of the process and it is healthy for you to get mad. Allow yourself to feel the anger and get it out of your system. Try talking through your feelings with friends and family, screaming (not at anyone or around the children) a boxing class - whatever works for you.
Physically releasing your anger can be very empowering and healing. Anger is healthy but only when it is under control - try to remember that you will need to talk and work with your ex in the future in regards to children. It may be useful for you to look within yourself and to establish what you're really angry about. Try and be honest with yourself and take responsibility for your part in the separation - you are only a victim if you see yourself as one!
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