Do We Really Have To Sit Down And Talk To Our Children About Our Decision To Separate?
Learning that their parents are separating is one of the most scary things a child of any age has to face. How and what you tell your children can significantly impact how they cope with the changes to the family structure. For the sake of your children put aside your anger, hurt and pain to discuss with your ex the details of what you should tell them.
By spending the time to tell your children what is happening and being open to their questions you're able to give them the reassurance and support that they will need. Children no matter what age need to know that they're loved, that they will still be cared for and that as much as possible their life will remain the same. If it's too difficult to speak with each other about what and how to tell your children consider using a counsellor, mediator or close friend to help.
Please note: If you are in a high-risk situation where violence or intimidation is an issue speaking to your children or partner prior to leaving is not recommended. If you are in this situation please seek professional advice first.
To find a lawyer in your area click here.
How Do I Tell My Children That We Are Separating?
The most important thing you can do when talking to your children about separation and divorce is to be honest, and reassure them that you love them and this is not their fault.
Both parents should be present when telling your children and you should do this before any changes in living arrangements occur. Discuss what you're going to say beforehand and keep explanations simple and avoid assigning blame. Arrange a family meeting and work together to explain to your children what is happening. Try to remain calm and listen to what your children have to say. Reassure your children that you both love them and that they will still have a relationship with both parents.
Be mindful that what you're telling them may be completely unexpected. They will also be aware that this will change their lives as they know it. Some children will cry, scream, get angry while others will have no reaction. Be aware that your children may not know how to express their intense emotions appropriately, and it may be some time before they can articulate their feelings.
What Should I Tell My Children About Their Parents Separating?
The end of a relationship is hard on everyone in the family. Children have no power over what is happening to their family and naturally feel scared and unsure of what the future holds. You can help your children by telling them what is happening and by keeping the lines of communication open.
They don't need to know all the details but they will want basic information like where they're going to live, with whom and how will their day to day life change. Most importantly reassure your children that you both love them and will continue to care for them.
How Can I Help My Children Cope With Our Separation And Divorce?
There are many things that you can do to help support and comfort your child through your separation and divorce. One of the simplest things you can do to help your child cope is to look after yourself and recognise that your attitude, words and actions will impact on their ability to heal and move forward in a positive way. Be sensitive to your child's needs and reassure them with your words and actions that you love them and are committed to creating a new stable routine and environment for them.
Click Here To Read Two Home’s Top 10 Tips For Helping Children Cope.
How Do I Keep The Lines Of Communication Open With My Children?
One of the greatest gifts any parent can give their child is to give them your full attention and really listen to what they have to say. If your child feels that what they have to say is important to you, and you will not react negatively then they will be more likely to talk to you about their concerns and feelings.
When talking with your child make sure you give them your full attention - that may mean stop folding the washing or watching the tv! Sit down and make eye contact with your child. Listen to what they have to say without trying to fix, judge, criticise or change their feelings.
Let them know that their feelings are valid and that you understand what they are saying - this doesn't mean you have to agree with them, just that you understand. Sometimes this can be challenging and you may have a strong reaction to what's being said.
Try to stay focused on your child and if you need to take some time out to sort out how you're feeling. It's important to try and keep your issues separate from your child's feelings.
Always end the conversation with some sort of acknowledgement like a hug or a thank you for sharing. Remember you don't always have to fix their problems sometimes they just need to talk to someone who is supportive and understanding.
My Child Is Extremely Angry And Has Frequent Outbursts, What Can I Do To Help?
It's normal for children to feel angry and resentful at you and your former partner for splitting up their family. Some children express this through exploding over little things while others may withdraw.
It is extremely difficult and sometimes heartbreaking to see your child go through such trauma but with your love and support they will get through this.
Try these simple tips:
- Give your child opportunities to express their anger openly and without judgment.
- Listen to your children. Try not to react to their anger with your own anger.
- Don't take their anger outbursts personally.
- Tell the child that you care about his or her problems.
- Show confidence in his or her ability to do things.
- Let your child know that everyone gets angry now and again.
- Share with your child about the last time you felt really angry and how you dealt with that anger in a positive way.
- Look at how you handle your own anger. Are you setting a good example?
- Acknowledge good behaviour.
- Praise your child when they deal with their anger in a positive way.
- If your child stays angry for a long time and nothing seems to help, seek professional advice.
I've Heard That Often Children Blame Themselves For Their Parent's Separation, Is This True?
At some point in time most children blame themselves for their parents separating. As parents you will both need to frequently reassure your children that you love them and they're not responsible for the end of your relationship. It's normal for children to be confused and in an attempt to make sense of the situation make incorrect assumptions.
Common misunderstandings children have about the breakup of their family include:
- This is all my fault
- If I had been a good boy/girl, mum/dad wouldn't have left
- If I hadn't have said the wrong things mum and dad would still be together
- If I was better at school we would still be together
- If I get into the top soccer team my parents might get back together
Be patient and remember that with time and your love and support things will get better.
How Will My Child Feel About Our Separation And Divorce?
How your child feels and reacts to your separation and divorce is greatly influenced by their age, gender and developmental stage.
It is useful to be aware of how your child may be feeling and the reactions they may have to the news that the family structure is changing. The Family Court have outlined some of the things to consider in their Children and Separation resource.
Since The Separation My Children Are Fighting More, Is This Normal?
Separation and divorce is stressful and scary for everyone concerned, including the children. You may find that your children have become closer as they support each other or argue more as they try to work through their negative feelings. It's also common for siblings to fight more as they compete for their parent's attention.
You can help reduce the tension and conflict in the family by:
- Spending one on one time with each child
- Encourage open communication with each child
- Listen to your children
- Try family meetings to discuss what's going on in the family
- Help your children to express their emotions in a healthy manner
I Have A 3, 6 And 9 Year Old, Can I Use The Same Strategies To Help Them All?
Your children's understanding and needs will differ depending on their age and development stage. Finding out how your children think and feel will help to define how best to help them through the separation and divorce. No matter what age they are one of the most effective things you can do is to listen to what your children have to say and encourage them to express their emotions.
Click Here To Read More About The Effects Of Separation And Divorce On Children At Different Ages
Since My Former Partner Moved Out Of The Family Home My Toddler Has Started To Wet His Pants And Won't Sleep In His Own Bed, What Should I Do?
In times of stress, it's normal for young children to react by regressing back to previous behaviours that they outgrew like thumb sucking or bed-wetting. Even though your child is young they will notice that the other parent is no longer living in the house and are very sensitive to their parent's energy levels and emotional state.
Expect your toddler to go through an adjustment period and don't be surprised if during this time they are more irritable, suffer from separation anxiety, have difficulty sleeping or lose some of the skills that they have developed e.g. toilet training.
Here are some things you can do to help your toddler cope:
- Keep a routine
- Give lots of hugs
- Keep children's favourite toys and comforters close at hand
- Spend extra time with your child when preparing to do a handover
- Don't get angry when 'accidents' occur
- Talk with other important adults and caregivers about how to support your child during this transition time
How Do I Know If My Child Isn't Coping With The Breakdown Of Our Relationship?
Separation and divorce is a difficult period of adjustment for everyone in the family, some children will adjust reasonably smoothly while others may struggle.
It is normal for children to go through an adjustment period. During this time you may find your children act out, withdraw, have angry outbursts or are very sad. These should pass with time.
If however you notice major changes in their behaviour and they seem to get worse rather than better consider getting professional help.
Here are some warning signs that your child is not coping and needs extra support:
- Loss of spontaneity: normally social children don't want to play
- Low self-esteem: watch out for comments about being stupid or unimportant
- Excessive sadness or moodiness: Loss of interest in favourite activities, withdrawn, and constantly moody
- Irrational fears or clinginess: Separation anxiety, fear of familiar people, places and things
- Inappropriate anger: Excessive frustration, frequent angry outbursts, fights with schoolmates or siblings, yelling at parents
- Poor self-care: Poor grooming, excessive disorder in a formerly neat child's room
- Sleep problems: Unwillingness to go to bed, difficulty falling asleep, waking up in the middle of the night, nightmares, reoccurring bedwetting, refusal to wake up or go to school
- Poor concentration: Chronic forgetfulness, missed homework assignments, or decline in grades for an extended period
- Drug or alcohol abuse: Experimenting with tobacco, medications, household substances, drugs, or alcohol
- Sexual promiscuity: Engaging in sexual activity that ultimately threatens to damage your child's emotional or physical health
- Self-injury, cutting: Finding relief from emotional pain by inflicting physical pain, or taking excessive physical risks that result in injury
If you can recognise some of these signs in your child please talk to your medical practitioner as soon as possible.
How Can I Help My Children Express Their Feelings?
The simplest thing you can do to help your children express their feelings is to maintain open lines of communication and encourage them to talk about their thoughts and feelings. Make them feel safe and free to bring up anything - even the stuff that makes you feel uncomfortable!
Books can be a great help to show children that they're not alone and give them a way to express their feelings and bring up things that they may find difficult discussing.
With younger children they may not be able to label how they're feeling, activities like those included in our activities section can help children to open up and express how they are feeling.
So Much Is Going On, What's The Most Important Thing I Can Do To Help My Children Through Our Separation?
The early stages of separation and divorce can seem crazy. The most important thing you can do to help your children through this is to take care of yourself. If you're emotionally and physically healthy you will be able to make your children feel safe, reassured and comforted.
My Child Doesn't Want To Talk About The Separation Or Divorce, What Should I Do?
It's natural that some children find it difficult to discuss how they're feeling. Some children may find it hard to even label what they're feeling, while others won't want to hurt you or may just feel extremely mad at you.
Give your child time to adjust and frequently try to open the lines of communication. Also consider bringing another person such as a favourite aunt or uncle, grandparent, family friend or a professional such as a counsellor.
What Are The Common Things That Children Going Through Separation And Divorce Want To Know?
Your children are likely to have lots of questions about how things are going to change and what impact it will have on them. It's important to be prepared to answer their questions and address their concerns.
Here's the top 5 questions your children may ask?
- Where am I going to live?
- Where will mum and dad live?
- Is it my fault? Did I do something wrong?
- Do you both still love me?
- Why don't you love each other anymore?
TOP
