What Is Co-parenting?
Co-parenting is a commitment between separated parents that each parent will have a full and active role in their children's upbringing and development. It involves children spending substantial time, including weekends and weekdays, with both parents in their respective homes.
For your children it means:
- Sleeping, eating, working, playing in both parents homes
- Mum and dad continue to make decisions together about their lives
- Both parents are involved in school, sports, music etc
- Both parents care for, support and guide them
- Being part of two extended families
As parents it means:
- Setting up two homes for your children
- Both taking an active role in decisions regarding the children's wellbeing and lives
- Keeping communication channels open and amicable to ensure consistency and stability for the children moving between homes
- Redefining your roles and expectations. You may no longer be husband or wife but you are still mum and dad
- Both parents have the opportunity to build and maintain meaningful relationships with their children
Why Is Co-Parenting Becoming More Popular?
At present, co-parenting arrangements are being encouraged by government agencies and family experts. They're also becoming increasingly common amongst separated families, as it is believed that it's in the best interest of the child to maintain meaningful relationships with both parents. Co-parenting is not recommended in situations where the safety of the child is in question.
Experts report that co-parenting can have the following benefits:
- Children are able to maintain meaningful relationships with both parents
- It can reduce the feelings of abandonment felt by children when one parent leaves the family home
- It enables parents to share the responsibility of discipline and decision making
- Both parents are able to play active roles in all aspects of their child's life
- It confirms that both parents love their child and as a parent will continue to love, care and provide for them.
My Ex And I Continually Fight, Wouldn't It Be Better For Our Child If I Parent By Myself?
When conflict and emotions are still running high between separated couples it may feel like it would be a lot easier and even better for the children, to parent your children on your own. Nevertheless, if your children's safety and wellbeing is not at risk by maintaining a relationship with the other parent then you don't really have the ability to make this choice.
Although your relationship with your ex has ended, your relationship as parents has not. In situations where there's a lot of conflict it can help to establish some basic guidelines that can help you to develop a good parenting relationship. Experts often recommend to think of the other parent as a parenting business partner - you may not like them but in order to do your job well you need to find a way to work together.
What Is A Parenting Plan?
A parenting plan can be a formal or informal agreement between parents that covers how the needs of your children are going to be taken care of. It will include as much or as little detail as is necessary to make it work.
Typically parenting plans cover areas such as:
- Where the children will live
- Time spent with each parent and the wider family
- Financial arrangements
- Education
- Religion
- Children's medical needs or concerns
- Discipline and household rules
- Holidays and special events
- How conflict will be resolved
A good co-parenting plan will allow for flexibility as the needs and circumstances of all involved change.
Do I Need A Parenting Plan?
A parenting plan of some shape or form is required. Many separated parents find it useful to develop a parenting plan as it sets out how things are going to work and what each parent's rights and responsibilities are. A good parenting plan can act as a solid foundation for a successful co-parenting arrangement.
My Former Partner Was Abusive Should I Still Try To Create A Co-Parenting Situation?
The safety of you and your children is always paramount. If abuse of any kind occurred the recommendations for co-parenting are significantly different. When abuse has occurred limited contact between children and parents may be in the best interest of the children. If you are in an abusive situation please get advice and assistance from a professional.
Am I The Only One Who Has Problems Working Out A Parenting Plan That We Both Agree To?
Working out a parenting plan that suits both parents and is in the best interests of your child can be challenging.
You're not alone, in fact statistics indicate that approximately:
- 50% of divorced or separated couples sort out parenting arrangements amicably
- 20% (of the total) have problems but eventually manage to work through the issues
- 15% have problems that take a long time to settle and
- 15% end up in court.
It's important to keep trying and reach an arrangement that meets everyone's needs. Many people find it helpful to use a third party such as a mediator to develop their parenting plans.
Is Co-Parenting Appropriate For All Separated And Divorced Families?
Co-parenting relies on a high level of communication and co-operation. This can be extremely difficult when there is a lot of conflict and anger, but with hard work and perseverance it is possible.
However, there are situations where co-parenting is not the best option. These include families with a history of:
- Violence and abuse
- Substance abuse
- Mental health issues
Co-parenting is also not possible if a parent simply refuses to be involved in their children's lives or moves away.
When Should We Start A Co-Parenting Arrangement?
Once you have decided to separate, arrangements for your children should be addressed as soon as possible. Establishing a co-parenting situation immediately after separation can have the benefit of illustrating to your children that both parents will remain in their lives and that as parents you're able to work together for their best interests.
How Do We Go About Setting Up A Positive Co-Parenting Relationship?
When beginning to discuss the details and practicalities of your parenting arrangements many parents find it helpful to come to a common understanding and set some basic rules.
Consider the following suggestions:
- Make it clear that you value your child's time with you and with the other parent. Respect each other as parents. You're likely to have a lot of bad feelings toward your former partner, but you need to separate your parenting from those feelings. Your goal is to create a good life for your children, and you can best do that by parenting together in a respectful, cooperative manner.
- Work out a fair and practical time-sharing schedule as soon as possible.
- Make a serious effort to live up to the terms of the time-sharing agreement.
- Tell the other parent in advance about necessary changes in plans.
- Prepare your child in a positive way for each upcoming stay with the other parent.
- Don't discuss important issues concerning the children at transfer times.
- Listen to your child concerning problems with the other parent, but encourage your child to work out the problems with the other parent directly.
- Work on your problems with the other parent in private.
- Be flexible with each other. Understand that there will be times when you will both need to 'trade? days to fit in with each other's activities.
- Do not use your child as a confidant, messenger, money collector or spy.
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