How Common Are Single Parent Families In Australia?
Over recent years family structures have changed and what was once uncommon is now very normal. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics in 2007 there were 808,000 single parent families and 87% of these were headed by mothers.
It's interesting to know that in Australia 2006 - 2007, there were:
- 808,000 single parent families (20% of all families*)
- 94,000 stepfamilies (4% of all families*)
- 80,000 blended families (3% of all families*)
- 43% of children who had a natural parent living elsewhere saw this parent at least once per fortnight, 28% less than once per year or never
- Only 4% of children spent ˝ their nights or more per year living with the other parent
- 87% of one parent families are headed by mothers
Refers to all families with co-resident children aged 0-17 yrs
I'm So Busy Working And Trying To Make The House Run Smoothly, How Can I Make Sure I Spend Quality Time With The Kids?
All parents find it difficult sometimes to find the energy and time to spend quality time with their children. Prioritise time together, make plans and stick to them. It doesn't need to involve expensive outings, the important thing here is the one-on-one time.
Try:
- Reading to your children
- Going on a picnic, to the beach, bike track or fishing
- A TV free night once a week
- Getting involved in your children's sport
- Family night once a week
- Finding a hobby that you both enjoy
- Eating together more often
- Helping with homework
- Doing household jobs together
My Children's Father Is Not Active In Their Lives, What's The Best Way Of Dealing With Father's Day?
Father's Day can be a tough day for separated families, especially for those who don't have present fathers. It's likely that your children will have some feelings about the day and may even want to acknowledge their dad in some way. Try to be supportive and understanding by helping them to celebrate the day.
Here are some ideas to help you get through Father's Day:
- Ask your children how they would like to honour the day
Openly discuss father's day with your children and give them permission to celebrate the day in a way that is meaningful for them. It could be as simple as a card, picture or a phone call.
- Acknowledge your children's feelings
Most children dream of a close relationship with both their parents and holiday's like Father's day can highlight this need. Talk to your children about this and help them to express their feelings about the situation. Try to remember that their desire for their dad is natural and not a reflection on you or the job you're doing as a parent.
- Be kind to yourself
Many women find it hard to hear their children express their love for someone that your in conflict with or shows little or no interest. Others struggle with seeing how much their children miss their father and feel guilty about this. Know that this is normal do something nice for yourself and know that you deserve it as you're doing a great job!
- Create a new family tradition
It can be helpful to plan a fun day as a family. Why not start a new tradition; how about a trip to the zoo, picnic at the park or an afternoon at the beach?
My Child's Other Parent Is Just Not That Interested. We Get A Few Phone Calls And Random Visits Throughout The Year And I Feel Like The Inconsistency Is Doing More Harm Than Good. Should I Tell Her/Him To Stop Contact All Together?
As a parent it's natural to want to protect your child from disappointment and sadness, but this isn't always possible. Children have the right to know and spend time with both their parents and as long as your child is safe then inconsistency alone is not really a good enough reason to stop contact.
If you're interested in trying to improve the current situation, ask yourself 'What kind of relationship would you like your child to have their other parent'? 'Why doesn't that ideal relationship exist right now'? 'Is it possible that the other parent just doesn't know how to make it work'?
If you can talk to your child's other parent and let them know how you?d like to see their relationship grow. If this isn't possible consider getting the help of a counsellor or mediator.
I Love My Children But Sometimes I Feel Angry And Resentful That I'm A Single Parent, What Should I Do?
Few people plan to become a single parent and when it happens it can be challenging - emotionally, physically, mentally and financially. So it's not surprising if you sometimes feel overwhelmed, angry, resentful and frustrated. Don't feel guilty or deny your feelings, there's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Some people find it useful to write down everything that they feel - the good, the bad and the ugly! By paying attention to how you feel and acknowledging it can make you feel lighter, provide clarity and help you to feel better about the situation.
Consider sharing your feelings with a trusted friend, family member or counsellor. It may be hard to admit these feelings out loud but it can be extremely helpful. Finally, be good to yourself and treat yourself to a massage, night out with the boys, a new outfit - whatever makes you feel good. Go easy on yourself and be proud of the great job you're doing!
Is My Child Disadvantaged Because Their Other Parent Doesn't Want To Be Involved?
If you are single mum or dad and the other parent doesn't want to get involved with bringing up your child, then you have to be truthful and realistic. It's impossible to change things that are beyond your control. However if you can try to keep any communication open, as things could change with time.
Remind your child that s/he is loved by both parents and try to remain positive about the other parent. If you're a good parent and you are doing your very best, there's nothing to stop you from bringing up your child in a successful and loving way. Leave the guilt behind and focus on being a good parent. Remember, all parents, whether living together or apart, can only do their best.
I Don't Live Close To My Children, How Can I Keep Involved?
If you live a long distance from your children with a little effort you will be able to maintain a positive relationship with your children. The most important thing you can do to is to communicate regularly with your children. Phone, write, email on a regular basis - some people find it useful to organise a set time to ring e.g. every night at 7pm or every Sunday evening.
Keep up to date with what the children have been doing, either through them or their other parent. Note all the special events and activities that are happening so you can ask them questions about them. Consider using a tool like the Two Home's Organiser to stay up to date on you children's activities and events.
I'm A Single Dad And Only Get To See My Kids Every Other Weekend And Once During The Week. I Try To Make It Up To Them By Making Our Time Together As Fun As Possible But By The End Of The Weekend I'm Exhausted And Stressed Out. What Can I Do?
Firstly, don't worry you're not alone! Many divorced fathers fall into the trap of becoming "Disneyland dad's" where your time together becomes all about the special outings and gifts. Your children don't need to be constantly entertained and you really don't need to buy their love! If you love your children and are genuinely interested in building a strong relationship with them they will know it and reciprocate that love and want to spend time with you.
To help keep you on track try these tips:
1. Plan your time together
Ask your children what they would like to do when they are with you. Decide as a family how you spend your time making sure you allow time for one on one time with each child and time for your kids to be on their own.
2. Don't try to make up for lost time?because you can't.
Over compensating with gifts, treats and non-stop entertainment doesn't make you a good parent. Being a good parent involves nurturing, teaching values, giving positive feedback, maintaining appropriate boundaries and setting appropriate limits on children's behaviour.
3. Treat your kids like they live with you, not like visitors
Establish household rules and routines. Get involved in their school work and extra curricular activities.
4. Be Kind to yourself
Know that as a single dad you will have your good and bad days, you will fight with your kids and have days when your feel like your dragging feet. Remember this is normal and they won't stop loving you because you have an off day!
My Children's Mother Is Not Active In Their Lives, What's The Best Way Of Dealing With Mother's Day?
Mother's Day can be a tough day for separated families, especially for those who don't have present mothers. It's likely that your children will have some feelings about the day and may even want to acknowledge their Mum in some way. Try to be supportive and understanding by helping them to celebrate the day.
Here are some ideas to help you get through Mother's Day:
- Ask your children how they would like to honour the day
Openly discuss mother's day with your children and give them permission to celebrate the day in a way that is meaningful for them. It could be as simple as a card, picture or a phone call.
- Acknowledge your children's feelings
Most children dream of a close relationship with both their parents and holiday's like mother's day can highlight this need. Talk to your children about this and help them to express their feelings about the situation. Try to remember that their desire for their mum is natural and not a reflection on you or the job you're doing as a parent.
- Be kind to yourself
Many men find it hard to hear their children express their love for someone that your in conflict with or shows little or no interest. Others struggle with seeing how much their children miss their mother and feel guilty about this. Know that this is normal do something nice for yourself and know that you deserve it as you're doing a great job!
- Create a new family tradition
It can be helpful to plan a fun day as a family. Why not start a new tradition; how about a trip to the zoo, picnic at the park or an afternoon at the beach?
I'm A Separated Dad And I Feel Like My Child's Mother Is Constantly Trying To Punish Me, I Can't Get Her To Work With Me On Anything. What Should I Do?
Unfortunately you can't change your ex or her behaviour. The best thing for you to do is to be the bigger person and try to remain calm and resilient at all times. If you can, talk to your child's mother about how you feel and how you would like things to change. If this isn't possible consider using a counsellor or mediator.
As A Single Parent I Feel Like I'm Always The 'Bad Cop'! What Can I Do To Help Me Regain Control?
Whether you're a mum, dad, single or married as a parent there will be times when you struggle with discipline. However it's acknowledged that single parents do have an extra challenge in that they don't have anyone to back them up or share the load.
If you feel like things are getting out of control take a few deep breathes and try the following:
1. Define and clearly communicate household rules
Work with your children to establish household and behaviour rules. Explain to them in an age appropriate manner what you expect from them and what consequences will occur if these are not meet.
2. Be consistent
It's important to follow through and to enforce consequences every time your children break the rules - especially on the days where you're exhausted and it's the last things you want to do! Children know when your defences are down and if they know that they can push the limits at this time they will.
3. Establish the same rules for Mum's and Dad's house
Try to work with your children's other parent to establish household rules and a discipline plan that works between homes. Agree to back each other up and to enforce discipline if required. If this isn't possible clearly communicate to your children what is and isn't acceptable when they are with you.
4. Clearly link disciplinary action with behaviour
Make sure you clearly explain why and how your child's behaviour was unacceptable e.g. "I'm taking away your train because you hit mummy".
5. Ask your child why they misbehaved
It can be helpful to understand why your child is acting out. Experts say that most children act out because they either want attention, to be in control, to get back at you for something you did or they're frustrated.
Hopefully by getting to the root of the issue you may be able to resolve it, and the negative behaviour. If your child won't tell you what's wrong, make an educated guess e.g. 'Did you hit dad because you were frustrated that I said you couldn't watch TV'?
I'm A Single Parent And Ready To Start Dating Again, What Will My Children Think?
Your children's reaction to you dating will vary and depend on their age, the length of time they had to get comfortable with their parents no longer living together and their emotional stability.
It's normal for children to have a negative reaction to the possibility of their parents bringing someone new into their lives, reasons for this may include:
- The realisation that there is not going to be a fairy tale reunion
Children's sense of identity is very closely tied to their family, therefore when the family dynamic changes their sense of identity is threatened. It's common for children to fantasize that their parents will reunite and the world as they knew it will be restored.
- You're MY Mummy/Daddy!
Be aware that your child has probably not had to share you with anyone else besides your former partner and doesn't want to. They may feel threatened, confused and anxious.
- Fear that they will loose your love and affection
Your children may feel anxious that they will be replaced by your new partner and that they will no longer be important to you.
Keep communication open and reassure your children that they are loved and this will not change. Be sensitive to your children's needs but don't let them control you. Listen to their feelings and help them to understand that you like to spend time with friends, just like they do.
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