What Is A Stepfamily?
A step/blended family is a family in which one or both of the adult partners bring children from a previous relationship.
What Is A Blended Family?
Blended family is a commonly used term relating to a couple family that has at least two children where at least one child is the natural child of both members of the couple, and at least one is the stepchild of either member of the couple.
Why Do I Need To Be Aware Of The Differences Between Step/blended And Nuclear Families?
Experts tell us it can be helpful for stepparents to be aware of the differences that occur in a step/blended family, as it can give you a greater sense of understanding and feeling of control. It's also sometimes useful just to know that you're not alone and your feelings are not unique or make you a bad person!
While it is important not to ignore the many challenges that face step/blended stepfamilies, it's also important not to be overcome by them. Life in step/blended stepfamilies can be fulfilling and rewarding. What an amazing gift to be able to provide children with access to a range of great new experiences, people, love and support.
How Are Step and Blended Families Different From First Time Families?
Families come in all different shapes and sizes and in lots of ways step and blended families are the same as first time round families. However, they are also very different and more complex.
Experts agree that some the main differences include:
- Step/blended families are born out of loss
All step/blended stepfamilies have faced numerous losses and changes. These emotional upheavals can create a lot of grief for both adults and children. If unresolved this can result in anger and hostility between some parents and for children difficulty in accepting a stepparent into their lives.
- Family relationships are more complex
There are often more parent figures in a step/blended family and the parenting may be shared by someone outside the family, adding an extra level of complexity that isn't experienced in nuclear families. If children split their time between households it can also be challenging to ensure consistency in parenting.
- The parent/child relationship has a longer history than the new couple's relationship
In stepfamilies the parent/child relationship precedes the adult-couple relationship. As a stepparent you're not part of the pre-existing family history or traditions and this can result in you feeling like an intruder or outsider.
- Step parents become 'instant parents'
In a nuclear family there is a slow development from partner to parent, but in the step/blended family there is an instantaneous partner and parent relationship. Biological parents are able to grow into their parenting roles as their children grow, however stepparents are expected to instantly adjust. Often without any previous parenting experience, knowledge or before any real emotional bond with the children has been established.
- Children are members of two households
When parenting is shared across multiple households and people, children can often feel confused and displaced. It is essential to develop early on a parenting partnership between households where you all agree to basic parenting guidelines, household and behaviour rules. Consistency in parenting will help create a smoother experience for all however can be difficult when so many people are involved.
- There is no legal relationship between stepparents and stepchildren.
Most stepparents have a sense of responsibility for their stepchildren however they have no legal authority. This means you are unable to legally authorise things like medical care, sign or access school document etc. This can feel dis-empowering for a stepparent and can sometimes result in a stepparent keeping themselves at arms length form their stepchildren.
What Can We Do To Give Our Step/blended Family The Best Chance For Success?
1. Value And Strengthen The Couple Relationship
- Make quality alone time with each other
- Avoid always discussing step/blended family issues
- Frequently show each other how you appreciate each other
- Be honest and open with each other - seek help if you need it
- Be affectionate with each other - even in front of the children
- Set boundaries around the children entering your bedroom to ensure privacy
- Try to remain positive and in difficult times focus on your love for each other
2. Express Your Emotions
- Ensure that all issues, grief and pain of previous relationships have been addressed so they don't become an issue in your new relationship
- Forgive your ex partner so you can move forward without anger or resentment
- Give your children permission to speak openly about their feelings. Assure them they can be completely honest and you will not judge or get angry at them for their feelings
3. Have Realistic Expectations
- Accept that it will take time for everyone to get to know each other and for bonds to form
- Be aware that just because your partner loves you that they may not love your children or that you may not love your partner's children even though you love them
- Learn about step/blended family dynamics by reading, attending courses and talking to experts in the area
4. Acceptance
- Understand that step/blended family's differ from a nuclear family's and educate yourself about these differences
- The stepparent needs to accept the other biological parent and not feel threatened by them
- The biological parent has primary responsibility for their children
- The stepparent needs to accept the biological parent's bond with their child and not see it as a threat to their relationship with their partner
Why Do I Feel So Overwhelmed As A Stepparent?
Stepparenting can often be a very challenging journey. It's normal to sometimes feel daunted by the situation. Try to remain positive and focus on the love you have for your partner. It can also help to know that you're not alone. Look for a stepparent support group in your area or check out one of the online networks.
What If I Don't Feel Love For My Stepchildren?
Just because you're combining families doesn't mean that there will be instant love between step/blended family members. It's not essential that you love your stepchildren, only that you respect them. Remember love always takes time to build and shouldn't be expected instantaneously. Allow yourself and you're stepchildren time to feel comfortable with each other. Make an effort to get to know each other and to build a level of trust and understanding.
There Is High Conflict Between My Partner And His Ex, Will It Always Be This Way?
This is often the case, however most people find that relations improve over time once anger subsides and the other person moves on with their own life. Set clear boundaries for your home and try to remain calm and avoid engaging in the conflict.
Should I Discipline My Stepchildren In My Home?
Most experts agree that the biological parent should be the primary disciplinarian. However it is your home so you need some empowerment. You and your partner should agree on your household rules and the biological parent should clearly articulate these to their children. It should also be made clear that you are a team and while their biological parent is absent you are empowered to remind them of the rules just as anyone else caring for them would do i.e. grandparents or babysitters.
To be clear, discipline involves enforcing consequences when values, boundaries and limits are not observed. Parenting on the other hand is encouraged and has to do with nurturing ("I love you"), transmitting values ("Its important to do the best you can"), giving positive feedback ("You really did a good job."), maintaining appropriate boundaries in the family ("Your mother and I are talking now we will be with you in 5 minutes"), and setting appropriate limits on children's behaviour ("You can play after the dishes are done").*
* Information sourced from the National Stepfamily Resource Centre, USA.
What's The Best Way To Build A Relationship With A Stepchild?
A stepparent needs to be patient. If you're too full-on about forming a relationship this can backfire. Children need time to get to know a new adult. They may see the stepparent as a threat to their existing parent and experience loyalty issues. It's helpful to remember that there is no such thing as instant love, love is an emotion that grows over time. The same goes for respect. Every child is different and some children will be more ready than others for a new parent relationship. Let them know that you want to get to know them, but that there is no rush.
What Should My Stepchildren Call Me?
Some stepparents are comfortable being called by their first name, others prefer a nickname or invented name. 'Mum' and 'Dum' are usually reserved for the biological parents though some children want to call two people Mum or Dad. This could be upsetting for a biological parent though so it's best to discuss the issue and find names that everyone is comfortable with.
As A Stepmother Are There Any Special Challenges I Should Be Aware Of?
Generally the mum in a nuclear family takes on the nurturing and organisation role within the family. When a woman becomes a step-mum it's almost inevitable that she will do the same for her step/blended family. As a stepmother you will become a mother figure, not the mother. As such you will need to work out how to balance knowing when you can be actively involved with your stepchildren and when you have to take a back seat. This can bring up feelings of isolation, anger, sadness and frustration.
Some stepmother's have found that although they are not trying to replace the children's mother, their actions of nurturing are sometimes misconstrued resulting in jealously and conflict with the biological mother.
As A Stepfather Are There Any Special Challenges I Should Be Aware Of?
Generally the male in a nuclear family takes on the primary discipline role, however in a step/blended family this is not advised. Research indicates that this can be particularly challenging for stepfathers and they may need to seek advice on how to effectively support their partner in being the primary disciplinarian.
It is common for mothers to be the primary caregivers for their children and as a single parent household that an extremely close bond is formed. This can create difficulty in 'being allowed in'. If your new partner has a son, he may feel threatened as you assume the 'man of the house' position. Work together as a family to redefine family roles and openly communicate about all the changes and how they make everyone feel.
Is Child Support And Money Always Going To Be An Issue?
As hard as this may be as a stepparent you should not become involved with child-support disputes. It may help to expect money to always be an issue. Just because your partner has a manageable child support payment now doesn't mean it will stay that way. Things change over time and it's likely that child support payments will be point of contention until your stepchildren are adults!
Child support is between your partner, his ex, and the state. Unfortunately, even if you and your partner have children together, your opinion doesn't really matter here.
Do's and Don't's for Stepparents
DO
- Give your stepchildren permission to love the other biological parent
- Have consistent rule for all children i.e. step and biological
- Put your couple relationship first
- Respect the other biological parent
- Deal with problems as they arise
- Educate extended family on your new family and the roles that you all play
- Give all members of the family time to adjust to all the changes
- Have fun! As individuals, a couple and as a family
- Get advice, support and assistance when needed
- Create new family traditions
DON't
- Try to replace the biological parent
- Force a relationship on your stepchildren - let it build slowly
- Discipline the children before taking time to develop a relationship with them
- Put the biological parent in the middle of disagreements with your stepchildren
- Use children as messengers between households
- Burden your stepchildren with adult issues
- Don't expect instant love with your stepchildren
- Expect everything to run smoothly from day one
- Be surprised by the wide range of feelings and emotions that will arise
- Feel like a failure if you don't for a close bond with your stepchildren
TOP
