10 Tips For Step Parents
1. Accept Stepfamily Differences
The step-family is different from a nuclear family in many ways and has its own unique dynamics and behaviours. Comparing your family situations to a nuclear family's will only lead to feelings of frustration or failure. Understand the differences and gain insight from others in the same boat.
2. Establish Your Role
Talk to your partner and clarify the role you will play in the children's lives. Give yourself time to adjust to your new role and remember it is normal to feel transition pains.
3. You Are Not A Replacement Parent
No matter how much you do for your stepchildren they are not yours and they never will be. For a child, there is no such thing as an ex-mother or ex-father.
4. Learn To Live With The Reality Of The Ex
You certainly don't have to be friends, but being enemies is not healthy for the children as they will feel caught in the middle. Be respectful of your stepchild's biological parents being mindful not to compete and avoid the temptation to badmouth or undermine them, even if their behaviour is inappropriate. If there is high conflict between you seek professional advice on how to best handle the relationship.
5. Feelings Towards Stepchildren
It's not essential that you love your stepchildren however it is imperative that you respect them. The relationship will go through different stages so remember you're in it for the long haul and try not to react to the ups and downs. It's useful to know that they may have loving feelings for you initially and then the other parent gets upset so they pull away due to conflicting loyalties. Although hurtful, avoid blaming them and it is more likely the relationship will bounce back in time.
6. Discipline Roles
Although both you and your partner have authority in your home your partner should provide the main discipline. It is important though to establish a united discipline style and work out duties and responsibilities for the children. Try to not let the challenges of the circumstances get in the way of necessary discipline. Children need healthy boundaries. They may try to reject your rules because they differ from their other home. Simply explain that different places command different rules. It can help to give an example such as having different rules at school and home.
7. Kids Will Be Kids
Don't expect them to behave like adults. Study good parenting books, or join a parenting course to find out about age-appropriate behaviour so you can understand and relate to your stepchildren appropriately.
8. Physical Appropriateness
Be mindful of your physical appropriateness around the children. Maybe a new set of PJ's is in order if you are used to sleeping in your birthday suit.
9. Go Easy On Yourself
Unrealistic expectations and super step-parenting doesn't work and will only result in you feeling resentful. Be patient with relationships and remember they can take time to develop. So go slow and try not to come on too strong. Ensure time with your partner is not spent solely on discussing the stepfamily issues and make time for your own life to have some fun!
10. Maintain Your Sense Of Humour!
The stepfamily is filled with the unexpected, and sometimes you won't know whether to cry or laugh. Try the latter and maintain your sense of humour when faced with adversity. This too will pass.
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