Things To Think About When You Decide To Separate
It is extremely stressful and emotional when you finally get to the point where you think you have no other choice but to end a relationship.
No two relationships or situations are the same, therefore the details of what you need to plan for can be varied. Nonetheless, here are a few things to consider before or during the process:
1. Telling Your Partner
It's extremely useful to think about or even better write down what you want to say to your partner. it's normal to feel nervous, scared and sad.
Try to hold the discussion when your children are in bed or organise for them to stay with a family member or friend. It may be useful to prepare for potential reactions that your partner may have and also organise for somewhere to stay if need be. Try to stay as calm as possible. If you are in an abusive relationship please talk to a professional.
Note: If you are in an abusive relationship, please speak with a professional first.
2. Living Arrangements
Formulate a plan regarding where you, your partner and your children will live. Consider the financial implication of your plan. Unfortunately living separately is a costly activity and can put a strain on the finances. Don't panic though as help is available through agencies like
Centerlink and
Family Assist.
If you are the one leaving the home take some personal items to make you feel more at home in your new space. You may also want to consider opening a post office box so that you have a fixed mail address and won't lose any important paperwork in the mail.
3. Money Matters
Set up a new bank account, get the balance on joint credit cards and close them if you can.
If you're not working, consider getting a job as you shouldn't assume that you will be financially supported by your ex. If you are the person who is the major bread winner for the family then make sure you understand what your financial commitments to your ex and children may be.
Talk about who will pay for what, especially expenses relating to your children. Check out the
Child support Agency for information about child support payments. The site has a child support calculator that will give you an idea of what you can expect to pay/ be paid.
4. What about the Children
it's really important to have a plan regarding how you're going to help your children through this process. How and what you tell your children is extremely important and can have a huge impact on how they cope with the situation.
This will be an extremely scary and confusing time for your children so it's important to provide as much basic information and stability as possible.
When telling them it will be beneficial to have already reached an interim agreement on where they will live, who the primary caregiver will be and how often the other parent will see them (i.e. visitation).
The most important thing that you can do through this difficult time is to reassure your children that you love them, that the separation is not their fault and to provide as stable an environment as possible.
For more information on
how to tell your children you plan to separate click here.
5. Get Informed
This is probably your first (and hopefully your only time) that you have to go through this process. Therefore you probably don't know much about the separation and divorce process, or how it will impact on you and your children. It's really important that you educate yourself and get some clarity to help you move forward with confidence.
6. Get legal Advice
Decisions regarding the children, living arrangements and finances will have a significant impact on your happiness and wellbeing. it's important to get good legal advice as soon as possible in order to help protect your legal and financial rights.
7. Build A Support Network
Don't be scared or embarrassed to talk to trusted friends and family members about what is happening. it's important to have access to people who can help you through this process, even if it is just by listening!
Professional help such as a counsellor can also be useful in helping you to deal with the emotional impact of the separation and creating strategies for helping support your children.
There are also many great online resources like TwoHomes that you may also find helpful and remind you that your not alone!
8. Get Your Paperwork In Order
Make a list of all your financial assets (e.g. house, cars, superannuation) and liabilities (e.g. mortgage, credit card debt, hire purchases). If possible make copies of all your financial documents from house title to insurance policies.
9. Personal Items
If you're leaving the family home you may want to consider taking a few personal items, especially items that have special meaning such as photos or family heirlooms. If your separation becomes strained it may be difficult to get those things back, if at all. it's also nice to have a few things around you that give you a sense of comfort and familiarity.
10. Take Stock
Everybody who goes through separation will at some point feel confused, scared, embarrassed and sometimes out of control. It is important to take some timeout, to take stock!
Try to not let your worry, pain and fear consume your entire day, it is important to remember that these feelings will pass and to try and get some clarity and headspace so you can recognise and enjoy the good parts of your day.
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